Self-Worth Bypassing Doesn't Work. Here's Why.
Have you ever heard the term “spiritual bypassing”? If you’re not familiar with it, spiritual bypassing means that you use spiritual tools and practices in an attempt to avoid your real inner work.
Clinical psychologist and author John Welwood coined the term, and here’s how he explained it:
“When we are spiritually bypassing, we often use the goal of awakening or liberation to rationalize what I call premature transcendence: trying to rise above the raw and messy side of our humanness before we have fully faced and made peace with it. And then we tend to use absolute truth to disparage or dismiss relative human needs, feelings, psychological problems, relational difficulties, and developmental deficits.”
In the same way, self-worth bypassing is an attempt to speed past the hard work of repairing your relationship with yourself so you can step into your true calling and full authority as a leader - no matter your path in life or in business.
This can manifest in many different ways, but I’ll share what that has looked like for me over the past 12 years as a sole proprietor and business owner. You can draw your own conclusions about whether you’ve also been engaging in this form of bypassing.
(Before I start spilling my guts here, I want to say that the parts of myself I highlighted in my early days of entrepreneurship weren’t artificial. But I was cherry-picking the parts of my personality that I felt would be the most acceptable to potential clients, rather than showing up as my whole self. And maybe we all deal with that, you know? After all, branding is what it is for a reason. We always want to put our best foot forward.)
On my own journey of self-worth bypassing, I…
Created an outward persona that I believed would be most acceptable to current and potential clients. This approach leveraged all the most prominent parts of my people-pleaser personality and used tools such as color theory (i.e., blue=trust) to establish myself as a trustworthy and reliable service provider.
Ignored the advice mentors gave me to lean harder into my geeky side, instead opting to double down on what looked the most “LinkedIn-acceptable.” (Sooo many regrets.)
Modeled my business after mentors and more visible freelance pros who were doing what appeared to work really well for them. I was determined to make this thing work, and if that meant I had to do it like so-and-so, then that’s what I would do. After all, we have to do things we don’t really love to make money, right? Right? (Okay, there’s often truth to that, but stick with me here.)
Misused my multipotentialite nature (a phrase coined by Emilie Wapnick) to be everything to everyone, with the result of burning out more than once.
Lacked the self-awareness to realize that I was not embodying my true self and was, in fact, fighting against my natural wiring. (And what even was my natural wiring? I had no idea because the role I was playing had always worked.)
Used my solid track record of positive client acquisitions, successful projects, glowing testimonials, and resulting high income to prove my worth to myself and others, both as a professional and as a person.
That’s just a small selection of all the self-unaware things I was doing to make my business work. And it was great… until it wasn’t.
I know I’m not alone when I say that as a copywriter, the market has shifted dramatically since 2021. The healthy flow of inbound word-of-mouth clients I used to enjoy steadily slowed down. Pitching became more challenging than it used to be. I experienced multiple false starts, failures, and crises, both personally and professionally. All the while, I was feeling worse and worse about myself, and finding it increasingly difficult to put myself out there.
The problem peaked when I made a decision that I believed was empowered and rooted in self-worth in that moment. Ultimately, I believed it would dramatically boost my confidence - because I was betting on myself in that moment. Right??
Nope. I was so wrong.
We’ll keep the story short and vague for the sake of time and privacy.
A few years ago, after several years of building a relationship with a business I deeply wanted to write for, I was offered a job. This was more than just another freelancing gig; I believed it was the first step toward fulfilling a lifelong dream. Actually, this brand was kind of part of my personality, and it was something that helped me cope with my deeply painful school years growing up. (You could not pay me to go back to school, by the way. I will die on that hill. But that’s another story for another day, maybe.)
Long story short, I hired an IP attorney to review the contract and found that there was a gray area that could potentially compromise my personal creative work if I moved forward without a revision. The business refused to revise the contract, so I walked away. I told myself I was choosing me and my work, and I even received praise from trusted mentors for doing so.
While this decision was undoubtedly right for me, it opened a deep, unhealed wound I had never truly addressed: my sense of self-worth.
Because what if I would never amount to anything without that opportunity?
What if the stories and works I create never go anywhere?
What if I’ve wasted thousands of dollars investing in myself and my own creativity, only to never see a return on any of it? And what if this particular job might have helped me become more visible in my own right?
What if I just walked away from a door that will never open again? What if it was the door to end all doors? (Dramatic, I know.)
What would people think of me if they knew? (One of two things: either that I was really smart, or really stupid. Sometimes it feels like the jury’s still out on that one.)
When I tell you I ruminated about this thing before, during, and after it was all said and done, I am grossly understating. I lost so much sleep and peace spinning in all the what-ifs. I was so afraid to make either decision that the negotiations dragged on for over a week.
Once I’d made the final call, I settled into a sort of stunned numbness that eventually gave way to deep grief and the realization that my sense of self-worth was actually incredibly flimsy.
Rather than feeling empowered by the decision, I started hiding.
I stopped actively pitching my services.
I started finding it more and more difficult to write and market my books, which have brought me so much joy.
I joined coaching programs in an attempt to course-correct, but kept finding that emotionally, I had been thrown back to the way I used to feel in fifth grade when I was on the brink of puberty and just wanted to freaking hide all the time. It was one of the weirdest things I have ever experienced.
(I’m 39 now, for context. Being in your late 30s and feeling like an insecure child all over again is not an experience I’d recommend to anyone. It sets you up to be treated like a child - but more about that some other time.)
Basically, I was self-worth bypassing through professional success and achievements. Deep down, I still disliked myself just as much as I did in those awkward tween and early teen years. But when you’re constantly hustling, achieving one professional goal after another with relative ease, it’s not difficult to absorb those successes and transmute them into artificial worthiness.
Take it from me: that doesn’t work long-term. It’s a bandage over a festering wound, and when it finally gets forcibly ripped off by some outward force (not by you, because heck no - why would you want to do that??), you find that the wound is deeper and much worse than you ever realized.
Listen. If the acquisition or loss of a particular client breaks you into a million pieces, your sense of self-worth needs some attention.
If you feel unworthy of showing up in particular spaces (online or off)…
If you struggle with feeling like you’ll never get where you want to be…
If others’ behavior throws you into a self-loathing spiral…
…then it’s time to take a good, long look at your self-worth.
If you aspire to becoming more visible as a force to be reckoned with in your field - in other words, a thought leader - you’ve gotta get serious about healing your relationship with yourself.
Your healing path will probably look different than mine did.I’m still on it, to be honest, but I’ve invested a lot of time in working on myself and the factors that contributed to the state of my inner world. (And for now, I’m purposely not detailing my path because you need to determine what’s best for you.)
You have what it takes to soar, to lead, and to inspire others. But if you want to be able to fully show up and deliver for the people who need you, you’ll have to look inward first.
“In your relationships, your goals, your business, and your life, you don’t rise to what you believe is possible, you fall to what you believe you’re worthy of.”
- Jamie Kern Lima, Worthy
Do you struggle with self-worth when it comes to showing up as a leader? What small steps can you take to start healing your relationship with yourself?